forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
