What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
