I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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