I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
