my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Randomize
