I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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