According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
