Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
