nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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