Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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