Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
