she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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