Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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