KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
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