is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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