All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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