If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
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