I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
