I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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