I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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