just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
