Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
