I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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