She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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