i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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