my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
