the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
