also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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