Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
