having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
