Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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