I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
