so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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