a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
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