She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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