let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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