But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
