Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
