I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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