this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
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I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
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he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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