First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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