The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize