Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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