just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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