I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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