she woke up with a sticky ear
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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