Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
