proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
