apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
