I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
