ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
