The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
