Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
