shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
