I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
