3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
