so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
