She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
