I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
