oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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