when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Is Oprah even human
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
