can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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