So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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