mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
